Two Days Later......

So two days have passed since the event has happened. (Many of you do not know what this is, for my privacy please just know it was something horrible that I experienced, and leave it at that.) I find myself still feeling extremely blank to the situation, not so much afraid, or sad, or mad, just blank. Maybe it hasn't set in yet or maybe, like some of you have said, I am in a state of, "denial." Either way, I am not crying hysterically or walking around being paranoid. (Which I think is a good thing?) Here is my issue....

After the incident, I went to my brother's grave to clear my head. Upon arrival, there was a picture from October on his grave of Darrin and I!?!?!?! A picture that, first of all, I have never seen, and second of all, don't even know where it came from. My mom said Darrin had gone to the grave recently, so I am assuming it was him, but then I ask, why? Why is the person that talks to me non-stop one week and completely ignores me the next doing something like that? My mom also told him what happened to me and I have not gotten so much as a text, phone call, e-mail, nothing. Talk about confused? Explanations please.....

California: Oh how I need my long planned vacation, but do to the "incident" and my unstable relationship with B, I sadly do not see it happening anytime soon. Its just not in my best interest to go right now, or his for that matter. I find myself taking my daily frustrations out on him, and being with him non-stop for 3 days I feel could cause a HUGE problem for us. Speaking of which.....

B: Is it ever possible for me to truely feel for him, when I am still SO in love with Darrin? Is it possible for me to fall in love with someone, just because they love me so much? We are not very compatible and I have issues with so many things he does and says, and how he acts, etc. I know it is not fair to him for me to continue on like nothing is wrong, but there is something about "us" that I just can't let go. I don't know if its the comfort of having someone around because I work SO much and dating would be virtually impossible right now because of that. Or, if I do see the good in us, just haven't found a way to uncover it yet. Either way, I need to decide quickly before I allow too much more time to pass and make it harder for me to do, and hurt him more! (If thats the route I take) Aside from the boys and "incident...."

I: I miss my friends, I feel like I never see any of you anymore. Even my room mate! I don't know if I'm not making enough time out of the little free time I have, or if everyone is just so busy that the usual texting and dinners are not occuring, but I feel sad. Like I'm losing you guys. I want to go to Stoney's tonight, or do something! I feel like I have not actually gone OUT in way too long, maybe its just cause its been a rough week! Well....

That should be about it for now. I love you guys! Even the people who are reading this and saying, "who does she think she is, no one cares!" Cause even if its negative, if you're reading this, you care that much.....

Sar

(p.s. - any words I do not like to use I will be writing in "italics" because, sometimes you just have to use them even though you really shouldn't! xo)